Waiting to Die
by nemurustar
Summary: Iruka ponders on the concept of death, after the lost of a loved one. Deathfic. Kakairu. One-sided. one-shot. possible spoiler for the latest chapters, though you wont notice unless you've read it. Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto etc.


Waiting to Die

Sometimes, Iruka would wonder about the after life; How was it like after one is dead? Is there really a place called _Paradise_? Was there ever a feeling of content or regret after one dies? It might be too cynical a thought for the Academy homeroom teacher, but his idea of _death_ meant _the end. _Once a person dies, that was _it_. No such thing as _Life After Death_ or all the silly stories he hears about the ghosts, spirits and the likes.

One would have never expected such a thought from one Umino Iruka,_ Academy Teacher Extraordinaire _- as what his peers would tease him-. When asked, one would think that Umino Iruka was probably the most sensitive man in _Konoha-gure,_ who probably believed in such a sentimental thought such as _the after life._ They even forget at times that while he is a teacher for the most of it, he is still a dispensable Ninja at the heart of it all.

Still, the memory of one Hatake Kakashi or Sharigan Kakashi aka the Copy Nin, tickled his mind often. It was not only because he had the greatest crush in his bachelorhood on the mysterious nin, or the fact that he was probably the greatest lay- or rather number of lays- he had ever experienced time and time again. But it was the look in the eye he gets every time the topic comes up in their conversations.

Kakashi always had that look in his eye that seemed worn and a little tired, as if he was just waiting for death to knock on by. It was as if the man only held on to life like one would a chore; to wait it out till the job's done, not bothering to make the first move. Definitely not like his father had.

Despite not being close to each other in their public life or likewise –their only main connection was team 7 and well, Naruto-, the two had found kindred in each other as mutual bed warmers. They were both adults and sometimes feelings were not necessarily needed in the package of _Sex_, but Iruka had always learned something new, something not known to his other friends such as Kurenai or Asuma, about Sharingan Kakashi, or rather _Hatake Kakashi_, after the rounds of awesome sex while they laid in bed with cigarettes upon their lips.

Iruka could not recall how the topic actually came about, but when it did, Iruka watched with mild interest about Kakashi's view on it. It was not so much of spoken words that brought him to that conclusion, but the emotions etched on his beautifully exposed face spoke volumes of how the man truly felt. Kakashi's exposed face was beautifully chiseled and youthful, yet somehow it looked tired and old, as if he had the weight of the whole world carried upon his shoulders, of which was not far from truth since he was the Village hero of sorts. He spoke of death as if he welcomed it with warm arms, yet not cowardly enough like his father to take it away. No, Kakashi was very proud to be alive and be of service to the very end, in which he did, but some part of him was waiting for that moment to finally let go and release himself the burden of the lives of his beloved village. He felt he had a reason to protect them so because he had failed with the rest of his teams, the new one included with a child going astray. He had failed to save the life of Obito's beloved Rin and so he felt a greater need to watch over the village that his best friend loved so much with the Sharingan eye entrusted to him.

Iruka found out a lot about the people Kakashi visited every morning, after having bumped into him one morning there while he visited his parents. Kakashi talked a lot about them after sex, which in itself made Iruka feel proud to know that he was entrusted with a piece of the man's history. He also found out about Kakashi father during those hours of bed talk, his likes and dislikes as well. Still he did not fancy himself as one of Hatake Kakashi's closest friends, no. Far from it. It was more like how a person goes to a bar and tells the bartender his life story after a couple of drinks. Yet Iruka was satisfied with that, especially knowing how private a person Kakashi was. In fact, it made him love the older man more and more, a feeling he dared not reveal to the man himself.

Even after his death.

The death of the person he had fallen in love with and yet not dared confess made his heart ache. Perhaps, Iruka thought, he would have confessed to him earlier had he not seen the face of one waiting for death.

It was a sad story, on both sides. It would only add burden and guilt in the heart and mind of a man so ready to throw his life away for the village, to have to still think about the heart he would have to leave behind, broken. No, Iruka was not selfish enough to do that. And so he instead, he would suffer the consequences of loving a man who does not treasure his own life as much as he.

Iruka wiped the runaway tear his eyes as he carefully placed a flower on the stone with the carved names of the fallen ones and said a prayer to them, many of whom he knew personally and likewise, and a then special one for the one he loved. Iruka might not believe in the existence of life after death, but a simple prayer does not harm anyone, dead or living anyway.

Even after his death, Iruka would continue to keep his feelings hidden in his heart, and bring it to his own grave just incase there was indeed a _life after death_. He does not want to burden Kakashi with the matter right after the man had regained freedom from his life's burdens.


End file.
